La Coax

39

2010-02-24T08:59:00.022-06:00

perhaps the worst blow to a man's sense of indestructibility is learning he is a year older than he thought he was. this happened to me the other day during a conversation with someone who inquired how old i would be this month. i confidently responded with 38. to which jen quickly (maybe too quickly) corrected me with a sing-songy 39. i smiled, waiting for the punch line. nobody laughed. a bead of sweat glistened my top lip as i frantically did the math in my head..2010 minus 1971, carry the one..= 39. dang it. it was no joke.

a queasy dose of reality pulled at my stomach as i reflected. how does something like this happen? losing a whole year. ignorance certainly had been blissful, but it had all been a lie. believing i was some spry 37 year old, frolicking with the winds of youth and indifference in my hair, laughing at my much older friends and cousins. it had all been a hateful dream.

regret seeped into my soul. i felt foolish as i took inventory of my recent life choices. lets see, there was the two wasted hours watching twilight. (luckily, ive yet to see the second one), and then there's my current musical preferences (got to stop listening to Owl City). and why, oh why, did i let jeremiah talk me into impulse buying those skinny jeans. i mean, sure, i could probably pull off a cocky swagger at 38, but at 39... i might as well dye my hair and eyebrows black, splash on some Axe, and loiter around the Barnes & Noble coffeeshop in hopes of catching an ego-boosting nod from the college crowd.

when i got home, i checked the mirror. i certainly didnt look 39. i mean, i still had (most of) my hair and those pesky crows feet hadnt strayed too far down my face. so.. i began to wonder, could it be there was a typo on my birth certificate? i mean, how many times have we all habitually scribbled the wrong year on a check..(for you kids out there, a check is the grandfather of PayPal. in the old days, we had to use math and penmanship to buy stuff..)

so, i called my birth hospital in Illinois. i explained to the kid on the phone that i was fairly sure there had been a discrepancy on my birth certificate and who did i need to speak with to to get it fixed. she paused a second before transferring me to an indian gentleman in the Records department. having listened to my speil, Ahmad explained that birth records prior to 1982 were not electronically logged but kept in boxes in the basement. and nobody was sure how those ancient scrolls were categorized anymore. then he asked me if it was true that cartoons use to only be televised on saturday morning. i hung up.

ok. i can deal with this, i thought. rather than dwell on past miscalculations and probable misprints, i decided to look ahead. find something positive. then it hit me. im still much younger than alot of people i know. i mean, look at my extended family. i have cousins that have passed the threshold of 40 and are still somewhat productive member of society. i mean, true, theyre a bit rickety, they still secretly lip sync to Belinda Carlisle and Marky Mark, and their wobbly bladders are probably inclined to be emptied every 15 minutes. but, for the most part, they dont hurt anybody and shuffle through life ok.

i began to feel a little better. actually, i felt a lot better. "late 30's" has a distinguished ring to it and i still have plenty of life to live. i still look forward to things besides grandchildren and my next colonoscopy. i've even adapted to watching cartoons on thursday nights.

so, for good measure, think i'll run over to Barnes & Noble and hobnob with the kids at the StarBucks. maybe i'll show up in my skinny jeans. maybe i'll daub on a little extra Axe. then i'll order a peppermint latte while humming that lightning bug song by Owl City.

if i could just remember how the tune went...

great. now i have Circle in the Sand stuck in my head. and i have to pee...

summertime

2009-07-08T10:52:00.010-06:00

i sip my strong coffee and gaze out my office window. Lost Weekend, the flavor of my brew, not early stages of oldtimers disease. i gaze and ponder, reminiscing the last few weeks. let's see. jen and i started taking MMA classes (ju jitsu, muay thai, vale tudo, kickboxing..a lot of wax on wax off stuff). the idea was to find a fun way to lose weight and find a better shape to be in besides oval. the unintended side effect, jen has become a cagefighter. cocky, sassy, and a little intimidating. in retrospect, walking circles around the park may have been a less confrontational weight management choice. but now that she's had a taste of pummeling a body bag, and felt the rush of making a grown man 'tap out'.. well, running shoes and jazzercise just doesnt stack up. she told me the other day that she no longer sleeps..she waits. (i think she stole that line from chuck norris, but i'm too scared to accuse her.

ok. what else- oh yes. our trip out west. we spent 2 wks in california with jen's family. havent been there in 13 yrs or so. it was fun. but there was no rest or relaxing to be had. we hit disney, sea world, and knotts berry farm within days of each other. we sucked all the fun out of these parks, getting there when they opened and helping turn the lights off when we left. sarah turns out to be the daredevil in the group. she was the first to head for the REAL rides: the Xcelerator, the SideWinder, SpaceMtn, and that crazy deathtrap that takes you way up and then drops you screaming to the ground..cant remember the name of that one--think i mentally blocked that trauma from my memory. sarah ate it up, asking to ride over and over.. i couldnt say no (with me being a tough cagefighting father and all). so we rode over and over and over.. until my head pounded and the greasy burger i'd eaten threatened to make an unscheduled appearance.

happy to announce our cat farm is thriving. the population had dropped to an all time low of 5. but thankfully the neighborhood mother cats banded together and blessed us with 4 new litters. not sure, but i think there are around 25 out there now. the downside: sarah has run out of cute kitten names and has reverted to tags like 'knuckles', 'bob', and '#32'. the other downside: i get not only to feed a wad of starving children, but now i get to buy 20lbs of cat food a week.. the other downside: turns out the mulch around the house doubles as a great potty training area for the frisky felines.. the upside: ...(cricket sounds)...uh.. well, sarah has taught her cat herd to stay out of the street..wait, maybe this is another downside..

overall, it's been an exciting summer. the kids are still wallowing in their fun memories, jen has become a lean, mean kickboxing machine, and i, well i am glad to be back at the office, where everybody knows my name and they're always glad i came...(and they dont want to beat me up, or make me feel like a girl for screaming my head off, or claw my legs looking for food..)

our thanksgiving stunk

2008-12-01T14:35:00.018-06:00

you know, ive always liked thanksgiving. good food, family, good food. and in my 30 something years of participating in this holiday, i dont recall ever having had a bad experience. sure, i've had my share of 'day after' thanksgiving regrets. but we've all had the buyers remorse that comes after slurping ladles full of giblet gravy and cramming handfuls of cranberry sauce down our pie holes (not to mention dealing with the pepperminty acid reflux that follows chugging more than the recommended dosage of mylanta). but come on, isnt that the true reason for thanksgiving? i mean, does anybody really care that some knee-high sock wearing pilgrims ate hominy with a bunch Indians a thousand years ago? no. thanksgiving is simply a celebration of excessive eating. the one day of the year when it's ok..nay, required to make a total porkin pig of yourself. celebrate, with hopeless abandon, the ability to chew and swallow food in great quantities. yes, anything short of blissful gluttony would be a discredit to honey baked ham and a slap in the face to the spirit of the holiday.

so, why did our Thanksgiving stink? was the food bad? no. was the family fun lame? no. our descent into the lower levels of holiday hades began with a poodle. yes. a nappy headed, white poodle with a malfunctioning anal gland. a disgruntled ball of kinky curls that, for some misguided reason, thought it would 'ok' to attack the business end of a skunk.

well, it wasn't ok.

after taking a faceful of spray, 'Baby' comes yipping back into grandmas house trailing a toe-curling fog of unspeakable horridness. to make matters worse, she rubbed and rolled her stinky face on the carpet, furniture, and grandma.

within seconds, the house stunk. our clothes stunk. our pillows stunk. my toothbrush stunk. my wife stunk. my dear grandmother stunk. ive heard that the only way to get the skunk smell out of things is to bury the contaminated items in the ground for 24 hrs. sounds like a resonably good idea. but it was much more difficult than i anticipated trying to convince jen, the kids, and grandma to stay in the hole while i covered them up. after extensive research on the web, i found that a mixture of tomato juice, peroxide and white vinegar would remove the odor. unfortunately, this is also the recipe for a homemade meth lab (which i felt would be hard to explain to local law enforcement if the whole thing went south).

in the end, we decided to douse each other with febreeze and keep the windows open.

driving back to TN was nothing short of miserabe, but did give me a chance to reflect. thus, i have decided to set up a non-charity organization dedicated to ridding the planet of stupid poodles. it is called P.O.O.D.L.E. (Purging the planet Of Obnoxious Dogs by relocating them to a Lunar outpost far from Earth.). donations can be sent to me, which i will use to buy a new toothbrush.

(disclaimer: the views posted in this blog are not necessarily held by lance nor are they to be taken seriously. i am not planning on sending Baby to the moon and no animals were injured in the writing of this account. in other words, dont tell grandma that i said mean things about her dog!)

tea party

2008-11-12T07:47:00.007-06:00

got invited to my first tea party the other day. sarah had quite the spread with a set of exquisite hand-painted china cups filled with a sweet but robust blend of Colombian raspberry tea (actually, it was lukewarm water-but i was told to use my imagination), bite-sized shortbread cream scones (stale Ritz), and a very distinguished group of upper-crust guests. there was a peppermint colored bear, a couple of stuffed cats, a pink chicken, and a plastic doll that kept staring at me (note to self: get rid of creepy doll). i was a little embarrassed at my lack of tea party etiquette but was quickly brought up to speed by my gracious host in the dainty ways of tea sipping. after the refreshments, there was a spattering of polite conversation. the stuffed cats, evidently, felt a little put off with the current policy of allowing the boys to visit sarah's room and petitioned a 'no boys allowed' standard, which would include a very visible sign hanging prominently on the bedroom door. the peppermint bear had a concern with the boys leaving star wars toys on sarah's bedroom floor and seconded the 'no boys' notion. the pink chicken felt there should be a democratic vote to get rid of the boys altogether, and replace them with a handful of baby sisters (for sarah, of course). the creepy doll just sat and stared at me, which gave me the idea it didnt want boys there either. after a lovely time, i excused myself from the party and said goodbye to my new stuffed friends. sarah showed me to the door pausing long enough to direct my attention to a vacant spot that would be perfect to hang a No Trespassing sign. she asked me to forgive the pink chicken for the silly idea of throwing the boys away, (unless mom and i thought it was appropriate-then she would certainly back our decision) but encouraged me to consider restricting the boys room roaming privileges. she assured me, of course, that there would be a special stipulation in the prohibition that would always allow me to visit whenever i wanted.. how could i say no..

enter the wild

2008-10-20T15:51:00.018-06:00

the guys and i decided to venture back into the wilderness over the weekend because evidently we didnt learn our lessons well enough last year (raccoon anyone?). so, friday we packed up and headed for the great outdoors for a weekend of fun and frivolity. having purchased for myself a new 5 man tent, i was fairly confident that i would have enough room to at least sleep without being mashed up against the sides of the tent all night (flashback to last year in my '2 man' tent where i was wadded up, drenched, freezing, and mumbling nasty words to myself). which makes me wonder, how can the people at the tent company get away with claiming their tents can sleep 5 comfortably? i'd love to see the head moobly goop from the tent factory try to sleep comfortably with 4 of his moobly goop buddies piled up on top of him in one of their 'spacious' outdoor pavilions (unless, of course, they're a bunch of oompa loompas or something).

we get to the campsite, set up our tents, and waited with wide eyes and white knuckles to see what john, our campfire chef, had in store for us this year. turns out, dinner was quite good. beef stew with onions, carrots, potatoes and cabbage (downside was the campfire dog that slurped about 3 big mouthfuls out of the pan before we could run her away). breakfast, the following morning included eggs, bacon, campfire biscuits, and fried potatoes (again, very nicely done, and no dog slobber this time). actually, everything 'Cookie' threw at us was very good, including a delightful stew of freshly plucked chicken and a side dish of seasoned crawdads. the nights were a bit cool with temps dropping down to the 40's but we somehow managed to keep anyone from freezing to death (which was good being that jen had warned me not to let any of her babies die from exposure). there was a plethora of activities to do including fishing, hiking, and small arms target practice. jonathon attempted to earn the coveted 'pooping in the woods' merit badge but was denied the opportunity when the limb he was using for squat support broke and 'dumped' him smack dab in the middle of the intended target area. (he decided to skip the whole ordeal and wait for more manageable conditions). the guys especially loved the new 'mountainman rules' that we established on the first day:

1) nobody has to shave

2) nobody has to take a bath

3) if you can catch it, you can eat it (assuming 'Cookie' can cook it)

4) playing in the fire is encouraged

5) roasting hotdogs is permissible anytime you want

6) if you see a bear, dont run towards camp (no sense in all of us being eaten)

7) rule 6 applies to mountain lions, T-rex's, and Bigfoots

8) if you do something stupid and almost die, you cant tell mom when we get back home

we had a great time, everybody came back in one piece, and we're looking forward to temping fate next year...

octoberFest

2008-10-13T08:07:00.005-06:00

autumn. living in the south, fall is synonymous with cooler evenings, vibrant landscapes, warm pumpkin pie, and the single biggest junk-yard-fest in the known world. this weekend, Octoberfest rode in to town like the band of overweight Harley riders that came to celebrate it. hwy 20 was literally littered with booths, tables, and sprawling yards full of just about any trinket of trash you could dare imagine.

yes, it is the one time of year when the town of hohenwald bands together to celebrate and exhibit our most notable accomplishment: the ability to amass an insurmountable heap of junk and then have audacity and savvy to sell it to each other. but who am i to revile, i found some pretty sweet deals digging through the heaps myself. no. i didnt stock up on tube socks, or $3 sunglasses. i didnt fall for the free funnel cake samples, nor was i tempted by the 2 ton log splitter that was marked down to $75 just for me.. i didnt even hoard up on the .50 VHS movies even though some were still in their original packaging (i.e Staying Alive from 1983)..nope, none of these 'must have' treasures even came close to denting my undaunted resolve and tunnel vision. i was on a mission. i was looking for American Girl books for my little baboon. and did i accomplish my feat, you may ask...

take a look at this sweet pic and decide for yourself..

oh yes, and for a mere .50 each...

maybe by next year sarah will be tired of them so i can set up a booth and pawn them off on the next gullible poor slob.

life rolls on...

2008-09-27T12:09:00.009-06:00

been a little while since i updated.. seems like we are all getting too busy to stop and blog (which sounds kinda gross when you think about it). so here's the update..

1) our current cat population is up to around 18 presently. there was a downward spiral in population a few weeks ago (while at the same time, a population surge down the road a couple miles) but the market has rebounded (repopulated) and we are peaking at an all time high...sadly...

2) jen and i celebrated 17 years of marital entanglement. i proposed an amendment to the current 'couch/remote' policy hoping to shift my position from the much smaller (and less comfortable) love seat. but im pretty sure that request was denied and i will continue to crumple up on the 'short couch' watching Bridezillas and the show with the short people that own the pumpkin patch..

3) the titans are 3-0. last time that happened we went to the superbowl (and lost).

4) sissy named her new kid william.. but we call him 'little bill' because its fun.

5) christian is officially taller than jen now..

6) sarah thinks it's great that we have 18 cats on our cat farm.

7) jeremiah got the chicken pox and i thought it was the funniest thing ever..

born 5-30-08 at 5:38 am

2008-05-30T16:57:00.008-06:00

so we get a call early this morning from sissy telling us to start heading towards the hospital because 'i think it's about that time'. we arrive shortly thereafter to find that we had missed the whole thing..actually, sissy almost missed it too. they arrived at the hospital with only 10 minutes to spare before giving birth. turns out, nobody was ready. shae's mom and dad didnt make it in time either (they were supposed to watch the kids while shae 'coached' sissy). instead, the kids got to hang out at the nurses station. her doctor didnt even make it. they had to scrounge up the night janitor to deliver the baby (which actually worked out better for him, being that he had to clean the room afterwards anyway). by the time everyone got to the hospital, there was really nothing left to do... so we ate donuts...

here's the lowdown:

time o' birth 5:38 am

weight: 9 lb 15 1/4 oz

length: 22"

first words: "hey-give me a krispy kreme"

name: PENDING (i recommended naming him after the janitor)

twins?!

2008-04-11T07:42:00.009-06:00

jen, jes, and becca (shae's sister) threw sissy a baby shower over the weekend. i suppose she got a lot of cool stuff; though i wouldn't know being that we boys were forced to sit hungrily on the porch until the festivities were over.

results of my colonoscopy: clean as a whistle (literally).. as a bonus, i was able to provide entertainment for the entire endoscopic floor with my 'smile, you're on colon camera' butt graffiti. they even invited a couple medical students to observe my procedure, as well as take some pictures for possible upcoming textbooks. (coming to a library near you, dear book snobs) just think, my colonic calligraphy will be the inspiration of future generations of gastroentologists..what a legacy.

things that weigh 5 lbs

2008-04-02T20:05:00.014-06:00

turns out, i lost 5 lbs after my 'experience', which brings me to a robust 192 lbs for my ending weight. i dont think 2.5% of my total body weight would be considered 'full of it'...

of course, after sharing my calculations with jen, she concluded that i was (and still am) very much full of it....

weight before MoviPrep: 197 lbs

2008-04-01T11:41:00.008-06:00

for almost 2 decades now, my lovely wife has maintained that i am 'full of it'. so, tonight i shall put this claim to the test with a pre and post weigh-in to determine the total amount of 'it' in my system.

tuesday timeline

12:54 pm starting to get hungry. wondering what's the worst that would happen if i sneaked a hot pocket. (historically, hot pockets have accomplished the same goal as MoviPrep, so what's the harm)

1:14 pm settled for a bottled water. still hungry.

3:45 pm washed my hands twice just the smell the watermelon scented hand soap.

4:40 pm wrestling with a moral dilemma- would it be wrong to eat one of our children knowing that we could make a replacement?

5:15 pm mixing first batch of MoviPrep with warm water.

5:30 pm 8 oz, down the hatch

5:45 pm followed by 8 more oz.

so far, nothing.

6:00 pm drank 8 more oz. nothing is happening...beginning to think this is the worst April Fool's gag ever.

6:07 pm strange goings-on in the pit of my stomach..

KATIE BAR THE DOOR-THAR SHE BLOWS!!

8:15 pm i come up for air long enough to mix 32 more oz.

i have officially passed everything in my system. missing toys from my childhood, pocket change, old garage door remote. i think ive even passed meals i havent eaten yet..

9:32 pm at this point, i'm spouting like a leaky water hose. i'm considering repackaging this stuff and getting my 45 bucks back. (recycled MoviPrep.. that would explain why my batch tasted so bad)

here's the final tally:

Facility visits: 9

Times i almost gagged while drinking MoviPrep: 4

Jokes at my expense: 13 (that i actually heard)

by the way, happy anniversary gabe and jes--cheers (as i raise my empty MoviPrep bottle)

2008-03-31T19:39:00.011-06:00

so i made a calendaric error. my colonoscopy is on wednesday rather than the aforementioned tuesday. which gives me one more day to prepare for my intrusive engagement. i picked up my bowel motivator, MoviPrep, today and asked the pharmacist what flavors i had to choose from and she informed my that MoviPrep only comes naturally flavored: ok. now i'm scared. i rushed home and tore open the box. let's see: PEG-3350, Sodium Sulfate, Sodium Chloride, Potassium Chloride, Sodium Asscorbate, and Asscorbic Acid..hmm. i'm beginning to dread which 'natural' flavor they are talking about? at least with GoLightly there was an attempt at flavor (even though it tasted like it had passed through a stale goat first). i flipped through the directions and really appreciated the pictorial instruction that was included, (really cleared the whole procedure up for me) though i doubt i will be smiling like the illustration. so, tomorrow's the big day... sissy, dont forget the scented candles.....

2 days from WaZoo City

2008-03-30T13:04:00.005-06:00

i 've almost completed my checklist of things to do before my rendezvous with the sigmoidoscope. i've updated my netflix queue, rearranged the spice cabinet (where did all this oregano come from?) and trimmed my toenails. so, other than eating as much junk as i possibly can (as i can only have clear liquids tomorrow), my last commitment is to decide what message to scribble on my rear for the gastroenterologist. havent decided yet; but here are a couple ideas..

3 days and counting

2008-03-29T19:51:00.010-06:00

i read the colonoscopy prep instructions today and found that i am forbidden to eat red jello or drink fruit punch 24 hrs before 'the probe'..normally, i'll have a glass of punch about once every decade or two; but knowing that i'm now faced with a solid 24 hour block of my life without the possibility of the fruity nectar...well, i 've been guzzling down crystal lite like a champ. now jello, mind you, has never been much of a culinary temptation. i mean, what is jello anyway? well, it turns out that gelatin is the result of 'melting down' a bunch of horse hooves, bones, connective tissue, organs, and whatever else they couldnt cram into a hotdog. throw in a little red dye (which by the way, is derived from a parasite that lives in cacti) and you got yourself a fun, jiggly bowl of strawberry jello..and you thought bill cosby was your friend..

turn the other cheek?

2008-03-28T17:20:00.006-06:00

four days until my colonoscopy.

yes, this coming monday at 5pm, i will get the potty party started by mixing the first batch of 'motivational' juice in preparation for tuesday morning's probefest. by monday evening i will have gagged down no less than 96 oz of warm, artificially flavored swamp snot in anticipation of my cleansing experience (oh joy)..

if the yellow ones are Peeps, what are the brown ones called?

2008-03-25T09:11:00.008-06:00

easter sunday. the one day of the year that i can color coordinate my wardrobe with my little girl's and still feel macho. church was fine until the 'special easter segment' began. the lights were dimmed and we were treated to a sign-languaged rendition of 'He has Risen' by five little girls with white gloves under a black light. about mid-way through the performance, i noticed jonathon start to slink back in his seat and then, with a wrinkled forehead, complain that his stomach was starting to feel funny.. this information, of course, threw jen into 'panicked mommy mode'. i actually started to feel a little queasy myself when i realized the grave situation we were in; crammed in the middle of the row, in the balcony, in the dark, with a kid intending to plaster some parishioners with puke. i envisioned, with horror, what vomit under black light against purple easter shirts would look like..thankfully, jen was able to jerk, tuck, and run him out of the room before the unpleasantries began.

afterwards, the family came over for easter lunch followed by the traditional plastic egg hunt. jeremiah, christian, and elijah volunteered to hide the eggs, which was simply a ploy to eat chocolate without having to actually frolic around and find it. this was evident when jonathon questioned me about finding a dirty walnut and a rock in one of his eggs. of course, it didnt take long before the egg hunt deteriorated into a jellybean war and was quickly called off by some of the adults (not me) 'before someone gets an eye put out'... the kids had a great time and miah and gabe took advantage of the warm spring breeze and blossoming bradford pear trees to grab a hand and do a little easter skipping.

37 reasons to post ugly pics of my relatives

2008-02-28T23:25:00.026-06:00

turning 37, i have come to a surreal place of contemplation in my life.. a season of reflection, if you will. a moment to look back and ask some pressing, fundamental questions..foremost, i have come to question that quirky teenage thought process that ram roded my early fashion choices. namely, that darling mullet, those highwater stonewashed jeans, that sweet, pink tank top and Jams, the mork and mindy suspenders, and that tie-dyed fedora with the button stating 'you're ugly and yo momma dresses you funny' attached to it.

in retrospect, i wonder if i was simply a casualty of a fresh, new pop culture deluded in the miry pool of peer pressure. or perhaps i was blindsided by the frenzy of a wide-eyed decade happy to finally be free of disco and skin tight polyester. or maybe i was just a drop in an ocean of impressionable teenagers jostling to find identity while being bombarded by the robert smiths and bananaramas of the world?

or could there be something more?

recently, while surfing, i stumbled upon an interesting study focused on the concerns and consequences of feeding babies raw honey. more specifically, it questioned the time-honored custom of coating the baby's pacifier with honey. after weeks of study by a reputable health food sales clerk at GNC, this practice was decided to be a contributing factor to such medical disorders as Droopy Eyelid Syndrome (hmmm), excessive drooling (possibly me), Abrupt Public Flatulence Disorder (totally not me), and Mulletoma, a deep, psychological infatuation with bushy hind-hair (what?!). as i continued to read, my world started making sense. it was like finally getting the punch-line of a nagging joke. the pieces began falling into place.

my conclusion? my misguided interpretation of hip 80's apparel was not my fault. i didnt willfully choose the mullet, the honey made me do it!! pink wifebeater? obviously, a result of honey-induced hysteria. mork and mindy suspenders? (well, that may have had something to do with the fact that chicks really dig rainbow colored trouser support.) point is, i was fed literally TONS of honey at a very young age. bottom line... i had a medical condition!!

armed with this new insight, i began wondering about the rest of my extended family? could it be possible that others of us were unintentionally gorged with mind-numbing honey as babies resulting in a derelict fascination with big hair and taste-challenged apparel?

so, in the interest of science and the promotion of affirmation and healing, let us examine the following photos and reason together whether honey abuse was a factor:

case study #1: (to maintain a sense of unanimity, we will call this study 'baby dazzle'.)

most children would be content sitting on the floor playing with whatever toy happened to be in front of them; but not baby daz. this youngster only found solace splashing around in the Can. was an overabundance of clover honey at work here? hmmm. little daz later grew to lead his (much younger) cousins into the 80's with such fashion classics as the flap shirt and fabio hair... scary, i know..

case study #2 ( again, to protect the innocent, we will simply call this study: 'Chrissy big hair')

i have learned from a reputable source that this poofy-headed teen ate more honey than pooh bear himself (and still does). her favorite movies include Honey i Shrunk the Kids and Honeymoon in Vegas. favorite song by elton john: honey roll, and favorite biography: Honey Daniels the Inner City Hip-Hop Queen of 1973.

you gotta admit, sure seems like this tiny dancers been tapping the honeytree a little too hard..

next week, we'll check out a couple more case studies and try to get to the bottom of this tragic, family epidemic....

thanksgiving, foster style

2007-11-26T10:14:00.000-06:00

traditionally, thanksgiving has been hailed as a time of thankful reflection, a moment to count one's blessings, sip some boiled custard, and share a norman rockwell inspired meal with rosy-cheeked relatives. the time of year to dig that snowflake pattern sweater out of the closet and resurrect those seasonal corduroy britches.

we foster children, however, do not exactly follow traditional inclinations... oh yes, there was food. lots of food; but let's talk volleyball. and i don't mean some mamsi pansy, polite patty cake game either. i'm talking ruthless, fingernail breaking, grandma spiking, game-on volleyball. yes, grandma reminded us that age is not a relevant factor and at any moment she can, and will, step up and re-establish the family pecking order. card games, you ask? oh yeah. but not bridge while nibbling triskits. that's not our style. it was a free-for-all, punch and gouge your way to the middle of the table game of Spoons. in the end, jodi owned the table with her calculated, two-handed dealing strategy, while aunt niki simply manhandled us guys into submission. not even isaac's kung fu reflexes could stand up to her lightning fast spoon grab. at one point, i remember a disheveled jodi, standing on the table, shaking a spoon at us, taunting, "who's your daddy now!?" all we could do was cower in the corner, and listen to our male egos deflate.

doubles ping pong was a hoot while shae and i doled out a couple smack downs to isaac and 'secret weapon' bill; but quickly became unpleasant when adam joined the fray with his funky top spin serve and answered with a definitive 2-0 victory over us.

by saturday night, i was aching like an old man (actually, the old men weren't complaining) and had chewed my way to the bottom of a new bottle of ibuprofen. but man did we have a lot of fun.

so, keep your egg nog induced holiday songs around the baby grand, and don't bother dragging the special silverware and china out. just give me some sweaty volleyball, an obnoxiously loud game of cards with family, and aunt carol's pumpkin pie with a plastic fork.. that's what i'm thankful for..

happy holidays everybody

jedi turns 8- brings balance to force

2007-11-10T12:44:00.000-06:00

when george lucas gave us star wars in the summer of 1977, i doubt he envisioned the barrage of space themed birthday parties that would follow. i nostalgically recall my first galactic b'day cake at age 8 or 9. aunt niki and darren built me a star wars battlefield cake complete with action figures from darren's own collection. life was good sitting on aunt niki's green, fuzzy, mushroom stool licking icing off the legs of my new Snaggletooth action figure (which, by the way, would have been worth $100 now-if i hadn't let my dog Harry play with it....).
so, today jonathon reached his 8 yr milestone and we continued the aspiring jedi tradition by turning a box of duncan hines into a frenzied war zone. of course, no true star wars party is complete without eating eyeballs..on your cupcake, obviously. (i feel a need to explain: the eyeball cupcakes were in honor of the one-eyed Trash Compactor Monster from the original star wars). besides, after eating raccoon, a gummy bear eyeball doesnt really faze you.. jedi jon racked up with gifts ranging from star wars DVD's to some really nifty spiderman underwear. anyway, we are getting together at sissy's house this weekend to further our b'day celebration by adding shae and jeremiah to the list. i expect shae to get some sweet Transformers merchandise and jeremiah will probably end up with something from this season's Polly Pocket line..(if he's lucky).

so, we are looking forward to thanksgiving up north, hope to see everyone there, we'll bring the raccoon and eyeballs..

call of the wild

2007-10-29T10:47:00.000-06:00

ahhhh camping... sweet memories of laying in the woods, gazing at the stars through that little mesh window of my musty tent. wiggling in my sleeping bag trying find a comfortable position amongst the rocks and twigs in an attempt to ward off the coming backache and neck crick. wide-eyed and shivering, not only from the cold, but in anticipation of dad bursting into my tent any second to scare the pe-diddle out of me. there was something about dark woods and creepy night sounds that turned dad into this night stalking, ninja boggyman. jumping from trees, lurking in the shrubs, sneaking around just outside of the light of the campfire waiting for the opportunity to leap out with a BLAGA-BLAGA-BLAGGAAA!!! and then scurry giggling back into the darkness while everyone else screamed like little girls..

campfire meals were always the best. where else (and why) would you purposely eat a marshmallow that had been charred to a withered ball of ash? of course, camping was always a great excuse to try out some of those freeze dried scrambled eggs (just add creek water and stir).. am i the only one that secretly hoped our cache of long-storage food would be the first nuclear target on russia's world war III agenda?? well, it seems only fair that i subject my kids to the same outdoorsy experiences that i had as a kid.. so, over the weekend, i took the boys camping.

actually, i need to back up to friday night when my excited camping buddy, john, called with news that his mother had trapped a raccoon and wondered if we'd like to take it camping with us (and i don't mean as a pet)..i'm starting to miss those freeze-dried eggs..

saturday morning found christian, elijah, jeremiah, john, and i standing in the woods. john, (who from now will be known as 'cookie' in honor of all great chuck wagon cooks) started building his kitchen campfire while me and the boys man-handled the tents. our first campfire lunch was boiled potatoes and onions, cornbread, and fried black perch. (the fish was also provided by john's mountainwoman mother). even though the fish was really good, it was clouded by the foreboding fact that a raccoon roast was in our very near future..afterwards, we took the boys on a smorgasbord of camping activities which included squirrel hunting, fishing, and proper indian scalping techniques. of course, i dizzily photo documented all of our outdoor adventures and took a score of breathtakingly amazing pictures. unfortunately, my stupid canon powershot erased every photo before i could download.. so, you will have to take my word that we, the before mentioned campers, did nibble, taste, and yes, eat raccoon fricassee on the evening of saturday, oct 27 in the year of our (oh my) Lord 2007....oddly, it wasn't half bad..i wouldn't look for it anytime soon as your local mcD's; but our campfire guru, cookie, did a splendiforous job making a potentially life scarring incident actually pleasant..

after eating a raccoon, the rest of the venture was down hill. we broke camp sunday and immediately began planning our next trip.

as a matter of fact, starting monday, i'm keeping a cooler in the trunk of my car. i've acquired a hankering to try one of the armadillos i keep seeing on the side of the road..

mullet, anyone?

2007-10-22T23:07:00.000-06:00

occasionally, you just have to get away. disconnect from the humdrum grind of life and let (what's left) of your hair down. well, that's just what we did this last weekend.

no, we didn't run off to costa rica, cambodia, or on some goofy jungle safari (that's for the safe, touristy, over 40, non-blogging, types). we wanted to experience some down home southern culture, rub bellys with some good ol' boys, and maybe eat some spam while listening to really bad karaoke. what better event than the Foothills Festival in southern Kentucky to fulfill all your redneck fantasies.. we started the festivities on saturday by counting mullets and playing a version of 'slug bug', but instead of counting VW's, we searched for bumpkins wearing Members Only jackets (extra points if they wore sweat pants with 'Juicy' on the rear-end). we watched the transient 'flea market vendors' spit tobacco juice while hocking their wares, and we sat bedazzled by the accuracy of the always fun GUESS YOUR WEIGHT game. (periodically, he would switch to the GUESS HOW MANY TEETH I HAVE game (which was not much of a challenge given the dental deficiencies prevalent below the mason-dixon line). the aroma of funnel cake, gator tail, and BBQ possum shanks intertwined with the smell coming from the spam mobile creating a smog reminiscent of boiled chicken feathers. but, i must say, the most fun was watching the locals hoop and holler around the mechanical bull. oddly, i was left with the notion that being rejected by barnyard animals was nothing new to these yahoos..but i digress..

the kids were a little unsure about watching the clogging competition, convinced it was somehow related to an unfortunate restroom complication, so we settled for facepainting and tramp stamps.

after the festival, me and the boys grabbed some 'SKI' and went fishing. elijah caught his first kentucky bass and almost fell out of the boat twice (sorry mom). all in all, we really did have a good time. it's always fun spending time with family, and with all-you-can-eat spam to boot, how could you go wrong? oh, and for those older, world traveling cousins that are now eat-up with envy.. Mule Day will be here in April..

baby names

2007-10-03T21:26:00.000-06:00

in an effort to relieve some of the pressure and hassle of having a baby, i thought it would be helpful to name sissy and shae's new baby for them..so, i have compiled a bunch of really great names; but need some help narrowing the choices down:

IF IT'S A GIRL-

i thought it would be somewhat poetic to pay homage to sissy's middle name by calling the kid Dawnalee (or if she's born after 7pm, how about Duskalee). Aquanetta, Latrina, Fridgidaire, and Shasta hovered around the top of my list until i came across Rodana. A powerful name that demands awe and respect (and in her spare time she could team up with godzilla and destroy Tokyo). of course, there are Oleo, Velveeta, and Vienna (try not to think of sandwich cookies, processed cheese, or sausage and these are really cute names). instead of Chelsea, how about Shellsea. or better yet, Sandy Shellsea. one of my favorites was Marjorie (but i kept getting flashbacks of the parkay tub saying 'butter' and had to scratch it from my list). which reminds me, i'd certainly steer clear of names like Cody, Dorie, or Hillary (synonymous with cray-zee lay-dee) unless you intend to doom her to a spinster's life of raising housecats while reeking of mothballs and eating spam (or running for President). i thought about giving Michael Job a female counter-part; but could only come up with Ineda Job...

in the end, i settled on Harry as my all-time favorite girl name. i had intended this gem for sissy upon her arrival but was shot out of the saddle by mom and dad. of course, grandma wehrheim always leaned toward the more whimsical, earthly-toned, Fart Blossom.

IF IT'S A BOY-

i'm torn between Q-Bert, Tron, or Contra (it's hard to beat a good retro arcade game when it comes to naming kids). from a practical sense, a name like Ben Lauden or Ivan Oder would guarantee his siblings being left alone by playground bullies (as he would certainly attract all the physical abuse). Rufas, Dingy, or Pfarley Pfieffer are fun names that easily double as reasonable excuses not to turn in homework (example: Teacher- "Rufas, where is your dissertation on the rise and fall of the Wing Ding Dynasty?" Rufas- "uh, i ate it."). Stetson Colone, Buddy Wiser, and Charmin are solid, wholesome American names; but would probably open the door to perpetual locker room flogging (or perhaps a good job in advertising). Festus (not to be confused with Uncle Fester, which would just be plain mean) rounds the top of my favorite boy name list.

Congratulations pfieffer's!! soon little Harry Festus will be here and all will be right with the world..

disgruntled pebble eater finds vindication

2007-08-10T19:23:00.000-06:00

hands down, my most favorite cereal as a kid was fruity pebbles. i simply could not wait for breakfast where i would meticulously separate into three groups the orange, lemon, and cherry flavored rice bits. only to close my eyes and savor the intense explosion of artificial flavor. a toy you ask? i didnt need no stinkin' toy hidden at the bottom of the box to bribe me to eat. nope, just give me a bowl, some cold milk, and some alone time. i could chow my way through a box in about a week.

this love affair went on beautifully until around 1980 when some knucklehead at Post decided to add a new flavor.. grape. i remember wondering what grapes had to do with my fruity pebbles. grapes belonged in grown-up cereals like Raisin Bran or Grape Nuts or something; but not in my pebbles! up to that point in my life, i really didnt understand what true betrayal was. but at the tender age of nine, standing alone in the cereal aisle at Kroger, a cold, calculated fact of life shattered my fairy tale world view. i had become a victim of marketing. but why? i couldnt fathom the answer. at first, i blamed myself. maybe i wasnt eating my quota, maybe i should have had mom send in those UPC symbols for the Dino Racer that i had been collecting. more than likely, my little sister had something to do with this catastrophe...

all i know is, i became a little cynical after that day. i even started eating Trix. occasionally, i wandered over to Frankenberry and Honycomb. breakfast was never the same. i was never the same. i didnt enjoy my morning dining experience anymore. i even skipped a few out of utter contempt.

time passed, and i watched with distain the multiple attempts to keep the franchise fresh: lime, berry blue, INCREDIBERRY purple (no, i wish i were joking) and,in 2005, the deathblow...bedrock berry pink..yes, a part of me died that day..

well, a couple weeks ago, USA TODAY reported that cereal companies are now under the nutritional microscope. evidently, incrediberry purple is not good for little johnny.. oh, well isnt that too bad. i gleefully imagined that knucklehead at Post mumbling to himself as he cleaned out his desk. good luck, buddy! dont forget to take your pink berry polydextrose with you! wah ha ha!!

i suppose i do feel a little better knowing that the cereal marketing guys finally got what was coming to them; i only wish i could have been there to watch them sweat and squirm as they tried to explain what grapes had to do with pebbles in the first place..

proud to be foster kids

2007-06-24T09:13:00.000-06:00

TWO!!TWO!!TWO!!TWO!! CORN!! CORN!!-SOMEBODY GIVE ME CORN!!
a somewhat vocal and sweaty game of PIT kicked-off our first annual foster kids reunion. as expected, there was a smorgasbord of fun and great pie to go around. i dont know, is it just me, or do all of our family get-togethers seem to revolve around pie?(not complaining-mind you-just an observation)

of course, i must mention the volleyball in the rain highlights (18 to 18, lest we forget): jennifer spiking herself in the face, howard and mark stumbling headlong into the bean field together, and doug making a couple very impressive and stylish dives (though they tended to be out of bounds and not so close to the ball). the kids had a blast when issac volunteered as the only adult brave (stupid) enough to swim with all the youngsters. dont worry bro, i'm sure those frequent warm spots had nothing to do with your game of making everyone swirl the pool water in circles like a big flushing toilet.. of course, my personal biggest challenge was sonny's perpetual super hero questions: who could eat more hotdogs, Spiderman or Superman? what if Zan from the Wonder Twins formed dry ice, would he evaporate? who does the Incredible Hulk turn into when he gets angry? do chinese kids try to dig to america?

unfortunetly, Christel (the cousin formally known as chrissy) and her clan were the ONLY members unable to attend. evidently, those hispanic hearthrobs from Menudo needed a last minute stand-in for their reunion concert and J-Lo wasnt available.

special thanks to jodi for her bang-up job organizing the festivities and providing a fine picture show. the 80's hair and the mork and mindy suspenders really brought me back (to a place i've spent 20 yrs trying to forget)..

for some reason, i just cant wait until we get to celebrate your 40th b'day..

of course, the event ended like it started, lots of laughter, a rousing round of PIT, and pie..

have you seen me?

2007-03-12T11:32:00.000-06:00

the wedding shower

2007-03-05T13:22:00.000-06:00

if i had a nickel for every time i've made a complete fool of myself, i would have at least 15 cents by now. my first experience was in the 6th or 7th grade during gym class. one of my buddies did or said something really funny and i wizzed my gym shorts in front of everyone (and not just a trickle either, i'm talking about laughing myself into a painfully embarrassing puddle of pee). the second was during a church youth retreat to mt. eagle. the whole group was eating breakfast together (boys at one table, girls at the other) and, of course, jen was sitting with the popular girls. i, with the nerds. once again, someone said something really funny at the exact same moment i was taking a mouthful of scrambled eggs.. in retrospect, keeping my mouth closed was not the best option, and resulted in blowing egg out both nostrils (to the horror of my very-distant-future wife). it took nothing short of divine intervention for her to even be caught in the same room with me after that little fiasco. the third was over this last weekend. having decided to marry a raccoon, jes threw a wedding shower and invited us to bring cake and presents. about 15 minutes before shower time, we were still in a mad dash to put finishing touches on gifts and desserts, get kids dressed, and load everything into the cars.

well, being the incarnation of servitude that i am, i humbly volunteered to heave most (if not all) the boxes and crates of party favors barefoot, through sharp gravels, to the awaiting vehicles. and, in my haste, while unloading these burly armloads of festive trinkets, some evil northern clap of wind slammed against the defective trunk of jodi's rental car, trapping the only key within its fortified bowel. basically, i locked the only key in the trunk and realized my small life was about to be snuffed out.

as i dragged myself back the house, i considered the severity of my predicament and began mentally flipping through a score of ways to divert the scorn and shame i knew awaited. Option #1: i could blame the whole thing on one of the kids. and then look shocked and disgusted as the befuddled youngster tried to plead his/her innocents. or, Option #2: i could solemnly announce that i had recently contracted Yuppie Disease, and then mention, as an afterthought, the less important missing key thing. (somehow i knew one of my cousins wouldn't buy this poor excuse due to personal past experience with this ego threatening illness). or, Option #3: i could call the rental car company and have them sneak another key to me before anyone suspected. But after 10 minutes on the phone, i concluded that these idiots (unlike myself) didn't have the ability to compensate for stupidity at a moments notice. so, with no better option, i was inclined to face the music.

first, i told aunt jeanie (who was arranging things in her van), she smiled and mumbled something optimistic; but i knew she was really just distancing herself from the hail of fiery indignation that was about to be unleashed upon my poor person. as i entered the house, the level of hustle had grown to a blur. kids were being thrown into shoes, last second decorations were being tossed together, and the final checklist was being run down (get my camera, don't forget the name tags, someone grab grandma, etc..).

i recall jodi's expression when i shared my news. she really didn't say anything for a second; but in that moments glance, her countenance said it all. "lance, i realize you regard yourself as some witty, funny guy; but given our current circumstances, it's probably not the best time to attempt humor. now go start my car." luckily for me, shae stepped in and saved my hind parts by producing some carjacking tools from his garage with which we were able to jimmy up one of the locks. the day was saved, we all somehow made it to the party with more than a few seconds to spare, and i managed my way back into the family's good graces. of course, with a wedding looming around the corner, chances are good that i will be given yet another shot to pad my metaphorical piggybank.... albeit, one nickel at a time.

things to do when you're 36

2007-02-28T19:58:00.000-06:00

oddly, i awoke this morning completely forgetting my internal odometer had flipped another year. it wasn't until brushing my teeth did i glance up and notice a couple new, slightly graying hairs that had popped up to wish me a happy b'day.

hmm, 36... not really a very interesting mile marker. not like an 18 or 21 or 40 or even a 50. 36 is neither here nor there. kinda tucked in the middle of the decade. too young to sip coffee at hardees at 5am and too old to hang around the toy aisle without looking a little creepy. so, what does one do at 36? this is the question that has been on my mind all day. perhaps it's time to click on that reoccurring natural hair growth spam that plagues my junk mail, or at least become familiar with that clairol for men box i've noticed at walmart (i believe the windswept chestnut color would best complement my eyes). of course, jen is threatening to sign me up for the ol' colon flush again (think i'll opt for the pina colada flavored go-go juice this time).

to put things in perspective, i recall my perception of mom and dad when they were 35 and 36. i was 16 and remember them being respectable, mature, and very adult-like. they were lofty and imposing in their wisdom and life experiences; seasoned in their adulthood. they were the very definition of what grownups should be. but mostly, i remember them being ancient.

inadvertently, someone always asks if you feel any older on your birthday. and i guess i don't. actually, i consider myself quite hip in regards to my awareness of the latest video games and movies, i don't dress like mr green jeans, and i still think the three stooges is true comedic art. i guess i'm not ready to become the aloof, serious grownup yet. maybe this mindset is the key to eternal youth, maybe i've somehow broken this coming of age cycle and get to live the Neverland dream, (peter pan's version, not michael jackson's) where you always have fun and never grow-up...maybe the proverbial saying, 'you're only as old as you feel.' is true after all.

sheesh, who am i kidding. after reading the nonsense i've just written, i'm most definitely in the early stages of a mid-life crisis..

so, if you happen to notice a middle aged man with a faint pina colada scent hovering around the toy aisle, leave me alone. i'm just checking out the latest star wars toys..

oh yes, in response to the message left on my phone by the 'rogaine representative', (with the strangely familiar little sister voice) all i can say is, your time is coming... whaa haa haa haa [evil laugh implied]

hair for sale

2007-02-21T09:52:00.000-06:00

a couple days ago, while listening to my morning radio talk show regiment, i learned that britney spears had shaved her head. well, to be quite honest, i couldn't have cared less; but what did rouse my attention was the hair salon selling her abandoned strands of split ends for a cool million bucks. hmmm. it didn't take long to convince the kids (and sissy) to donate their hair in hopes of securing a seat on this latest gravy train..

sooo, for your purchasing consideration, i have in my hands a heaping hunk of healthy hair clippings. a complete smorgasbord of recently mowed head grass. a tower of tuft, a mountain of mane, a beautiful bushel of lusterly locks, if you will.

hurry, while supplies last. this is, of course, a once in my lifetime opportunity. (as, most likely, my life will end fairly soon..)

blizzard of '07

2007-02-15T09:05:00.000-06:00

the snow has arrived. at long last, we finally have mounds of the white bliss. well, maybe not mounds. perhaps 'cups' would better describe our recent dismal flurry. all in all, we barely had enough regional snowfall for sissy&shae to scrape together a batch of snowcream. what is snowcream? quite simply, you mix milk, sugar and snow in a bowl and eat it. sounds simple enough, you may say. but actually this is a very precise and complicated science especially when you live in the country, where constant animal traffic can taint the most pleasant intentions. there are basically two rules when gathering snow for consumption (especially when snow collectors include a 3 yr old): number 1: steer away from the colored snow (it may be pretty; but can really foul up the whole nostalgic experience. number 2: chocolate is never an ingredient in snowcream. it just leaves too much room for mistaken identity. of course, the making and eating of snowcream is more of a childhood memory opportunity than it is a delectable dessert. i mean, you could safely get the same taste by scraping the frost from your freezer; but i don't think feeding your kids freezerburn would be recalled as a good childhood memory and would probably warrant a visit by aunt niki.

we were actually expecting a little more snow than what we got too. everyone was congregated at the wal-mart buying bread and beer in anticipation of being snowed in, and school was closed just in case. unfortunately, we didn't get enough accumulation to do much. our snowball fight was more like a snow pellet fight and the only possible sledding location was down the back porch steps where sarah had spilled some milk while feeding her cats. the photo shows a snowdrift on our porch chair.

so, pretending to be snowed in, we had to find something to do to occupy our time. the boys elected the mind-numbing xbox, jen curled up with one of those 'wife kills husband murder mystery' documentaries on tv (think she may enjoy those too much..), and sarah and i decided to make a cake. i searched the internet for good moist chocolate cake recipes and soon we had a hunk of homemade heaven. sissy and her gang came over and she and jen agreed it was a good cake; but then yelled at me for making cake while they were on a diet. (something about being thick and tired.)

well, according to our weathergirl, we are expecting more snow over the weekend. maybe up to a half inch of accumulation! school will be closed, salt trucks will be dispatched, and local beer sales will soar.

i think i'll try that banana cream pie recipe.

moving home..

2007-01-15T21:09:00.000-06:00

so we get a call from our realtor on friday night telling us that she may have a tenant for our home and how fast can we get our junk out. sounded simple enough. after 3 minutes of discussion, jen and i decided to dump the kids with some friends, recruit some moving buddies, rent a u-haul, and drive 13 hrs to retrieve our "junk".

thus, our misadventure spawned from the dark pits of hades began...before this journey would end, we would be pummeled by a plague of pinkeye, vandalized by a vomitous stomach virus, and hounded by a gremlin infested u-haul truck. as a bonus, we would pass through three blizzards, and be visited by a house sitting cat with overactive bowels. all the while, being cooped up in a cab with my brother, whom i am convinced is an alien sent from some distant planet (perhaps Uranus) to contaminate our life sustaining fresh air with his limitless supply of toxic gas.

the moving crew consisted of jen, sissy, jeremiah, brad, amy, jonathon and myself (see above photo). we left early on saturday morning and were digging thru wal-mart's dumpsters for empty boxes by 10 o' clock saturday night. our plan was to pack and load all of our belonging and get back home by monday night. so, conveniently, jonathon decides it would be a great time to give pink eye a try. after a $125 trip to the clinic, we find that not only did he have the pink eye; but also strep throat and a double ear infection. to make matters worse, amy, eats some under-cooked bacon (thanks, I-HOP!) and spends the next day puking her everlovin' guts out. all things considered, we miraculously stuff everything in the truck and are on the road by monday.

just for kicks, u-haul (u-push?) rents us the most dilapidated and decrepit truck in their fleet, and coming thru the smokey mnts, we are met by a very robust, blizzard. jen was following in the suburban, towing a trailer, while i cooed and coaxed my gem of a truck up the mountain with "i think i can, i think i can, i think i can.."

naturally, the windshield wipers stopped working.
there have only been two occasions in my life when i have felt sheer terror. the first was during the birth of my daughter. jen was in the middle of a contraction, and i was "helping" by stroking her hair and offering the assuring "it's ok, baby" routine. my mistake was underestimating her pain and standing too close to her mouth. in mid contraction she chomped down on the nearest protrusion which happened to be my left love-handle. she screamed, i screamed, and for an instant, i thought i would die a horrible and agonizing death. my second brush with terror was plummeting down the slippery side of the smokey mnts in a snow storm without wipers.

by some benevolent act of kindness, we plowed through and made it back home around 1am. beat and dragging, we stumbled thru the front door to be greeted by a big, black cat and the worst smell you could imagine. evidently, in our haste to leave on friday, we had locked our neighbor's cat in our house. the cat didn't seem to mind being thrust into a house sitting job and looked very comfortable. he had scattered trash all over the kitchen, blanketed the furniture with a healthy layer of hair, and made numerous, smelly little deposits. we knew it was a male cat (pay attention daz) by the very alluring 'spray' scent that permeated the house.

ah, the joys of moving!

well, after a lot of scrubbing and a little help from the rug doctor, we erased the memory of 'Sneaky' from our abode. jonathon is hopped up on antibiotics, the snow has melted in knoxville, and i got a discount from u-haul. i suppose 'all's well that ends well' (or some such nonsense).

of course, our realtor called back. the deal fell through.

and now for a spot of poetry

2007-01-03T21:32:00.000-06:00

My Diary Tree ......by Jeremiah('s brother)

Up in my tree
With my sweet diary
Up in my tree
No one but me

On a moonlit night
No one around
I giggle in spite
I may topple down

I love my tree
And my sweet diary
Writing secret things
No one can see

I know you would like
To see what I write
In my sweet diary
Up in my tree

Up here I am king
None can reach me
No nosey, imposing
Older sib-a-lings

I ponder the world
I ponder the sea
Wait!
Did a limb just
Crack beneath me?

I bounce
Off the ground
With a hard,
Thumping sound

Next time I will find
A much bigger tree
To sit in and write
In my sweet diary

whoopty do, it's a new year

2007-01-01T17:13:00.000-06:00

for the past 27 yrs, we have maintained a family tradition of sorts. on new year's eve we get together for a night of board games, homemade donuts, coffee drinking, and composing year end 'thankful lists'. even while living abroad, we have, without fail, found a way to keep this custom alive. so, wouldn't you know, just mere moments before our yearly bash, both our families were bombarded with a heaping helping of the plague.

undaunted, however, sissy and i agreed to leave sick kids and spouses behind and continue with party plans. at first, it seemed a little odd not having the normal commotion that accompanies a herd of kids around; but sissy quickly made up for it by spilling hot chocolate all over herself and then christening me (and the interior of the car) with a cold glass of sweet tea. as expected, sissy's uncanny ability to spill whatever happens to be in her hands would be the common denominator during our new year junkets.

our first outing involved a trip to the woods for catchup time with cousins and some serious doubles ping pong. of course, our night would not have been complete without adam sharing one of his eastern agility skills. here he demonstrates the ancient discipline of wall walking (usually followed by the less popular art of neck breaking). after dinner, i would like to report that we settled down like mature adults and made lofty grownup talk; but actually, we hooted and hollered around adam's computer taking distorted pictures of each other and laughing ourselves into a tizzy.) it's nice to know i'm not the only cousin still stuck in my teens.

new year's eve found sissy and me at dad's house for dinner and a round of monopoly with the gang. jeremiah whipped up a batch of pork chops, peas, and cinnamon fried potatoes (?). and predictably, sissy spilled hot coffee on me. after the food, fun, and burn cream, it was time for reflection. it was at this time i devised a new year's resolution to no longer post pictures of my sister in less than flattering predicaments. to prove my resolve, i offer to you a photo of courage and self control. with pride i present proof that sissy has downsized her H.I.P.S. (Habitual Ice cream intake Per Sitting) from 1/2 gallon to 1 pint!! Good Job sis! we all knew you could do it! now if we could just work on that chocolate addiction...

my only new year's regret was that my lovely wife was not with me to share my first kiss of 2007. unfortunately, jeremiah's dog Sunny was...Happy New Year everybody!

Tis the season..

2006-12-27T18:20:00.000-06:00

ahhh, Christmas. a time when families gather for reflection, remembrance, and giving. a time for gaudy blinking lights, off key carolling, and aerosol snow. and for some, a time for snooping around trying to sneak peeks at their gifts (unfortunately, i am not referring to the children)

i was able to catch jen and sissy on christmas morn attempting to listen in on secret gift wrapping conversation with mj's Super Top Secret Spy Listening Device. luckily, due to advancing toy technology, the girls couldn't figure out how to work the STSSLD and their diabolical attempt was foiled. despite their utter failure, i felt this action warranted the blotting of their names from a certain Nice List and a very prominent addition to the other list..
the kids, on the other hand, were very good. a few volunteered to help Nana with the cookie baking while others circled the christmas tree looking (no touchy!) for their names on presents.
after lunch, the mirth and merriment really began as the kids attacked the tree like a band of blurry, little tasmanian devils. hours of painstaking gift wrapping and bow placement was ripped to shreds amidst the high-pitched squeals of glee and elation. and as the dust and tinsel settled, every toy had been set free from its paper prison.
after the kids had their turn, the adults stepped up to plunder the tree. and with the same fervor, we shucked paper from presents like a fat kid at a corn eating contest. i came up with not five; but six packages of boxer briefs (various patterns and colors; but no animal prints..drats.) and a very convincing likeness of jen and me as cardboard toilet roll people. kudos to sarah who put alot of time and effort taping cotton swabs, paper clothes, and one real hair to her homemade gift.
after all gifts had been opened and the food given another good mauling, we brought to a close another christmas. diets may have been neglected, and kids may have stayed up past bedtimes; but we had a good time and made some pretty good memories. my next step is to initial my new wardrobe of boxer briefs (to keep christian from taking them) and to find a place to exhibit my toilet roll dolls..

to Grandmother's house we go

2006-12-19T21:08:00.000-06:00

there's nothing like going to grandma's. the moment you cross the state line and gulp in that nostalgic mixture of crude oil and pig poop, you know you've arrived in the Land Of Stincoln. horrible smells aside, going to grandma's reminds me of childhood. the red barn loft, grandpa's garage (with those nutty, steep steps), and the depot, are weathered and wobbly now; but still very iconic. as i walk around, i remember summers of horseback riding, chores with grandpa, drinking 'pop' from glass bottles, and playing with those duck-billed cardboard things that were stuck in new cowboy boots. and didn't it seem like we kids were always being fed boiled hotdogs and fried potatoes..
well, today the next generation of young explorers are running around the farm creating fun memories while i've joined rank with the 'old people' sitting around talking about boring grownup things... so the cycle goes..

speaking of 'old,' let's talk birthdays!

in olden day, mothers would spread their child's name on a corn cake with freshly churned goat butter to acknowledge his day of birth. being that food was scarce and the average household boasted 20 children, 'naming the cake' would guarantee the birthday child would, in fact, get something to eat. with the Great Corn Shortage of 1896, corncake was replaced as the birthday standard with a more readily found mixture of flour, eggs, and goat's milk. thus, today we have 'yellow cake,' paying homage to the corn color.

over the weekend, we celebrated stormy, aunt gloria, sarah, abri, grayson, sissy, and grandma's birthday with one big cake (no corn added). though every one's name was included on the cake, candles were omitted (with the number of years represented, it would have been necessary to light 23 candles at both ends to make them all fit).

of course, grandma, having turned 87, bestowed upon us a couple of her tried and true, passed down from the ages, home remedies (while we were eating). in a million years i would never have guessed that Vick's Vapor Rub was the magical cure for foot fungus. or that puffy eyes could be freshened up with a little dab of Preparation H (try to keep it out of your eyes, she cautioned).. and don't even get me started on the medical advantages of WD-40.

overall, we had a great time. we ate alot of food (customary at grandma's) and we put our crazy lives on hold for a minute and relaxed (also customary at grandma's).

of course, it would be an injustice not to draw attention to a couple highlights of our visit:

1st highlight goes to sissy (she never lets us down) trying out aunt niki's Jiggilator. and yes, she did break it.
2nd highlight goes to jeremiah, who tempted fate trying to improve tv reception atop aunt niki's house. the fun really didn't begin until he grabbed the business end of a live wire. (jeremiah, as your older brother, it does my heart good to see that you are not too proud to show emotion. but screaming like a little girl? come on..)

of course, honorable mention must go to uncle howard in his speedy gonzalez getup. (the pic pam took was priceless, so i had to show it again.)

Life Lessons with Dad

2006-12-10T14:14:00.000-06:00

as a dad, it's my job to teach the kids stuff. besides the usual good morals, proper etiquette, and bible stories, there are the practical, real life lessons that every child should be equipped with. a set of how to's, if you will. take the art of trimming nosehair, for example. we've all seen that guy in the grocery store with the crop of disgusting, dangling nosehair. why doesn't he trim that booger bush? simply put, he probably doesn't know how. as a child, no one gave him the proper tools to weed the ol' nose garden.

well, far be it from me to let my kids stumble through life with nostril hamsters.

which brings us to the life lesson of the day....shaving.

while getting ready to go out for lunch this afternoon, johnathon asked me if he could shave before dressing. having turned 7 yrs old recently, he has decided maintaining a freshly shaved countenance should be a part his big boy regiment. so, needing a good shave myself, i invited him to join me. before long, there were three of us bellied up to the sink ready to begin. (as it is, sarah has the same amount of facial hair as jonathon, so i didn't see the harm.)

unbeknownst to most, the Incredible Hulk makes a very fine shaving cream. cool and soothing with a hint of aloe. jonathon got the shaving cream, along with a sweet, plastic razor a few birthdays ago and takes great pride in keeping it next to mine.

after splashing water on our faces and smearing on a healthy lather, we were ready for business. at one point, sarah asked if she would have to continue shaving her face when she got big. we all hoped not, agreeing it would be a little awkward for her brothers if she could grow a nicer goatee than them. after rinsing, we checked each other for stray hairs, cleaned up our mess, and went to find mom. (traditionally, the shaving experience is not complete until mom smells our newly shorn faces). oddly enough, jen was not exactly down with the idea of her daughter shaving; but smelled her face nonetheless. the final photo shows us stroking our, oh soooo soft and smooooth faces.

next life lesson for the kids: the art of arranging head hair to divert unsolicited attention to that sneaky, receding hair line.

p.s. you may have noticed that neither christian nor elijah participated in our shaving adventure. well, it has come to my attention that they are each nursing a delicate patch of peach fuzz and felt it would be ludicrous to remove their tender sprigs of manhood so soon. good luck with that, guys.

WOO HOO, she's 32!!

2006-12-05T22:14:00.000-06:00

there were a number of significant events in 1974. the Lock Ness monster was photographed, Hawaii Five-O and Kojak were respectable TV shows, singing Sunshine On My Shoulders made alot of people happy, and Sissy was turned loose on an unsuspecting world. actually, i was a little disappointed the name i chose for her wasn't given more consideration. Harry is a perfectly respectable name and fit the family dog very well. logically, it would have made a fine name for a little sister. oh well.

Fast forward to this evening 2006, where we have gathered friends and family to surprise Harry on her 32nd birthday. being one of our typical family celebrations, we checked our dignity and polished manners at the door and let things get out of hand.
laughter, flying wads of paper towel, and yes, a whoopee cushion were all present during dinner and after a couple rousing renditions of Happy Birthday to You, (off key, of course) we delved into chocolate cake, ice cream, and presents. special thanks to dad who methodically sampled every bottle of women's perfume (on himself) before choosing one for sissy. my eyes are still burning from that toxic mixture of fragrant mayhem.

at some point, we decided that sissy, being older and (assumed) wiser, should embrace a new, distinguished look. something that hinted of subtle sophistication, loftiness, and intelligence.
unfortunately, we exhausted every available pair of reading glasses to accomplish this feat...and, well, you be the judge ..

doesn't exactly scream sophistication, eh?

nice hair clip, by the way.

of course, we had a good time, ate a lot of cake, and laughed at each other until time to leave.

Happy Birthday, ol girl, enjoy it while you can. the twenties are a blurry memory and the forties are speeding around the corner (just ask old man daz).

ode to the flower girl

2006-11-28T19:34:00.000-06:00

over the weekend, having found true love, jennifer's brother (jeff) swapped vows and spit and ran headlong into marital bliss. the bride was quite fetching, the groom dashing, and we hope they live happily ever after. yadda, yadda, yadda..

the BIG news of the day was the flower girl. not in the turbulent history of flower girls has there been a more fitting lass to wield the flowery basket. she was absolutely resplendent in her black and burgundy dress. her hair flawlessly dooed-up for the occasion and her antique faux diamonds sparkled like a fat man's eyes at an all-you-can-eat buffet. her concentration was phenomenal; right foot together, left foot together, right foot together.. and her pedal placement impeccable. never before have plastic rose pedals looked so natural on a scape of tissue walkway. yes, tears were shed. i was proud. we all watched in awe as she glided down the aisle like an artist on canvas.

it was a beautiful day and thankfully, this will be the biggest role sarah will play in a wedding for a long, long time. she and i have a gentlemen's agreement that there will be no boy talk for at least 25 more yrs. we have agreed that boys are stupid, they stink, and for the most part, utterly worthless. much better to stay home and practice the ancient art of making french toast (with dad) or stomping the soup out of the Annoying Trio (brothers) with her tag team partner (dad again).we have way too much to do without throwing stupid boys into the mix..

ok. realistically, i know, one misbegotten day some poor sap will inevitably find the nerve to cast his shadow upon our door with a notion of romance. some clammy-handed cad with pimples and poetry trying to finagle some time with my little girl. and who knows, in a quarter century or so, maybe we will invite him inside...(or maybe we'll just bodyslam him).

the deck adventure II

2006-11-19T09:39:00.000-06:00

so we have spent about 3 full days working on the front deck. what have we learned? number one: a composite deck system goes together much easier when it is designed into the initial house plans. this rang true when we realized the distance between our front columns is about 7' and our rail sections are only 6'. number two: those crazy guys at Lowe's know less than i do about composite decks (scary). they had no options to 'fix' my findings, only that they could special order 8' rail sections for around a zillion bucks apiece and it would take weeks to get them in. oh well. we decided to add posts between the columns and trim our 6' sections. (a little more work; but a lot faster and cheaper.) so, with the help of the 'crew' (jeremiah, brad, christian, elijah) the extra posts have been set and the decking laid. we have also decided to widen the front steps from 4' (what the plans called for) to 6', giving a more inviting look to the porch. as it turns out, to widen the steps means adding more support which means digging a couple more post holes (lucky jeremiah). at this point, we have abandoned the initial deck plans and are now free styling it.

as the temperature holds around the mid 50's this coming week, we hope to get alot done. with cold weather coming, i expect jen to soon recall my underage labor force (christian and elijah). we've already been cited for not wearing our winter coats (way to go, elijah) and instigated safety concerns when christian fell off the access plank. (smooth move, grace). of course, we stood tall and reminded mom that we were men, and men fall off things and laugh at the cold...(she just looked at us like we were clumsy and stupid, told us to put our coats on and be careful.) undauntedly, we plod on. the deck adventure continues. and we breathe in the cool air, mock the splinters and sawdust and revel in our manhood... at least until mom shuts us down.

Fun with Chuck

2006-11-16T11:14:00.000-06:00

so when jeremiah told us he wanted to celebrate his 17th B'day at Chuck E Cheese, we were a little concerned. when he assured us his decision was totally unselfish and based solely on the fact that the "kids" would have a great time, well, we were still a little skeptical. nevertheless, we went to party with the "big rat". after reviewing the following pictures, i now feel really awful that i questioned jeremiah's selfless act. it is so obvious he did not enjoy himself in the least. what a total act of love and kindness to sacrifice his one special day for the pleasure of his little nieces and nephews.

WHATEVER!

this guy was like a fun sponge, soaking up all the good times. he was skipping from game to game tossing tokens and giggling like a schoolgirl at recess. i even tried to pry him out of one game pod (to give the children a chance to play); but my attempts were useless. nothing could stand in the way of this good-timing man. the only time he wasn't hogging the games, was when we found him chugging orange pop and dancing with the band. (nice robot moves, by the way)

luckily, i was then able to snap some pictures of the kids:

but for the most part, the kids got stuck watching their uncle have all the fun.

HAPPY BURFDAY MIAH!!
maybe next year, we'll hit the Sesame Street on Ice. i'm sure the "kids" would love it too..nudge, nudge, wink, wink..

Two steps to Manhood

2006-11-12T19:39:00.000-06:00

there are two distinguishing mile markers in every (redneck) man's life. a coming of age, if you will. one is waking to find that first, long, black hair growing out of your back (fortunately, this comes much later in life and can usually be held at bay with tweezers). the second, is the day you get to shoot a gun.

a friend of mine is an avid hunter. he has a large family and they eat alot of game. while visiting the other day, he asked me if christian was old enough to help him 'sight-in' one of his rifles. so, christian, dave and i took a four-wheeler ride to the target range. now christian is a very laid back cat. nothing really gets him too excited; but i could tell he was loving this. dave spent some time explaining how a rifle works and the do's and dont's in regards to safety. christian soaked it all in occasionally glancing over at me smiling.

finally, the time came. christian was shown how to position his hands, lean into the sights, and control his breathing. confidently, he clicked off the safety and squeezed the trigger. his first shot was about an inch above the bullseye. the second, a half inch above the bullseye. the third was in the black. my eyes teared up and my pride soared. out of 10 shots, 3 were in the bullseye and the rest were in a tight pattern around it.

afterwards, we retrieved the paper plate target and fished around in the grass until we found one of his .22 casings. christian said they would go in his 'special' box along with his other priceless treasures.

all in all, it was a fun day. a good childhood memory was made. and a good dad memory. i too will put it in my special treasure box (right next to my tweezers).

I AM YOUR FATHER.. Don't hit me there...

2006-11-12T13:06:00.000-06:00

when jonathon requested a "star wars" birthday theme to recognize his 7 yr milestone, he figured the usual crew of brothers, sister, aunts, cousins and the like would show up. what he didn't expect were visitors from 'a galaxy far, far, away.. '

Princess Leia made her entrance with guns blazing and theme music booming. she passed lightsabres out to the squealing mob and instructed them to prepare for battle. she said there was a disturbance in the force (besides jeremiah's rank foot odor) and on cue, the doorbell rang. jonathon was elected to investigate.
Darth Vader entered with an armload of presents and was assaulted by a munchkin army of sabre swinging jedi.

after a barrage of chops to the head and groin, darth was allowed to stay and participate in the gift opening ceremony.

jonathon, dressed in his 'clone trooper' getup opened numerous gifts including a storm trooper room guard (thanks nana) and yes, the new xbox star wars lego game (thanks Pffiefer clan)!!! fun was had by all and after cake and more dueling, darth headed back to the death star mumbling something about wearing a cup next time.

the deck adventure

2006-11-04T21:56:00.000-06:00

we have some friends that have built a home near us and asked me to build their decks. understandably, i drafted jeremiah, christian, elijah, and our friend's son, brad, to help. with all of your recent remodeling projects, maybe christel and darren will have some insight in the elusive art of installing a composite decking system. turns out, this composite stuff is a precise science, pretty expensive, and didn't come with instructions... there are countless boxes of metal hangers, multiple length fasteners and oddly shaped composite pieces.

sound like a train wreck in the making? probably; so i thought it would be a hoot to photo document our little project.

this first photo was suppose to be our "before" picture; but jeremiah decided to jump in and louse it up. the front deck will be 29'x10' with steps coming down from the front door. my first, you can't turn back now, episode began when i cut a 7" deep x 29' long section of vinyl siding from the front of their house.

second photo was taken 7 hrs later. we have now dug five post holes (chipped through rock is more accurate), set our 2x8 rim and dropped in the floor joists. (again, jeremiah finding his way into the shot, and yes, he is barefoot..) so far, injuries have been kept to a minimum, despite jeremiah running around with no boots on. a couple splinters and some sawdust in the eye was the worst. christian and elijah are having fun helping on their first building project, carrying lumber and learning to read a measuring tape.

i went by lowe's, looking for hobbits to question, and was directed to a brochure with some vague ChoiceDek installation instructions. maybe it will suffice. we will see soon enough..

Surplus of conspiring cats demand return of EarEar

2006-10-28T21:40:00.000-06:00

not sure where the homeless cats are coming from. "Violet" and her four dependents have moved under the deck and applied for food and living assistance. sarah has already named them and begun a feeding regiment. like darren, i realized this was more than just a temporary arrangement when i found myself paying for meow mix and kitty treats today. i did asked sarah if the cats were legal, U.S. cats (not wanting to contribute to the rising illegal feline immigration problem) and she stated simply that they were her cats. case closed. amnesty granted. welcome to the family..

it's ok, of course. we had a number of pet cats growing up. Ol' Yeller was one of my favorites. big, yellow, hardheaded tomcat. the stupid thing would literally butt heads with you. then there was Rahab, Jericho, Babyface and Buckwheat. i remember being 6 or 7 when, in an effort to save my pet cats from certain eternal damnation, i would line them up and preach to them. After service, i would treat them to helicopter rides.....by their tails.

of course, i don't think i am the only cousin with a somewhat checkered past in regards to cat neglect. there was one cousin, in particular, whose name was only whispered in huddled cat circles."EarEar" is what they called her (looking over their shoulders in fear). mother cats would scare their restless kittens to sleep with threats of EarEar coming to get them. "go to sleep or EarEar will fling you out of your bed". or to persuade finicky kittens to eat their dinner, "eat your mouse, you ungrateful kitten, or EarEar will snatch you up and sling you right over her blonde ringlets."
oh yes, i witnessed many unsuspecting cats flung head-over-paws by their ears. and amidst the flying fur and hissing, you could hear the simple chant, "ear ear ear ear"...

mind you, it is not my intention to paint a broad, dreary picture of habitual cat abuse, we love our cats. cats are fun, under the right circumstances. and the abuse is definitely NOT one-sided.

ask grandma.

the evil cat gang that lives near her (Da Claws) conspired to "cap" this poor woman with a strategically placed trip hazard. luckily, a black eye was the worst they achieved.

and i, at age 16, fell victim to a random act of scratching that resulted in the dreaded Cat Scratch Fever disease. not just a funky 70's song.

i'm sure there is room in our lives for cats; but strangely, it seems the cats have us outnumbered. they're coming out of the proverbial woodwork. why the sudden spike in the cat population? have the wheels to some diabolical scheme of world domination begun to turn? are Agnes and Violet part of some embedded sleeper cell waiting for the right moment to set off a catstrophic chain of events?

maybe it is time to revive helicopter tail rides and visits by EarEar again.....

pick a bale of cotton

2006-10-27T19:17:00.000-06:00

it's interesting some of the rare sights i witness during my daily travels. today, for example, i was on my way to Corinth, Mississippi when i stumbled upon a caravan of migrating cotton bales (heading south to Hanes, MS, no doubt). luckily, i was able to snap a couple pictures before they spooked. like the rest of you, i've often pondered the gender of wild cotton bales and was surprised to find the entire herd female (note the pink blouses). as they meandered on, i couldn't help but feel a little sorry for them. i mean, i wonder if they know their destiny is to end up as some greasy, fat guy's unmentionables.

oh well.

considering the shortage of original costume ideas, i felt it my obligation to contribute..
here goes..

Darth Mader. picture a dark, caped figure with blinking chest lights and a mechanical breathing apparatus. but, rather than a lightsabre, he wields a Hunts ketchup bottle and reduces his foes to tomato paste with his dark force powers.

Clay Baiken. an irritating red headed crooner dressed like a cop.

Billy Midol. dress like a burned out punk rocker with menstrual cramps. whole new meaning to "rebel yell"

Migrating Cotton Bale. glue tons of cotton balls on yourself, grab a pink wrap and meander south.

obviously, not a lot going on in the La Coax household. a couple of the kids decided the coughing and fever routine wasn't getting enough attention so went with the ear infection ploy. we are becoming regulars at the clinic. i told jonathon it was about time to throw him away since he's sick and broken and all. he went to his room and came back with his plastic lightsabre. something about he being my father and me meeting my destiny... so, needless to say, i didn't put him in the trash...

great to hear from jodi. looking forward to hearing what's going on with you and yours.

NACHOO00oo...

2006-10-19T20:13:00.000-06:00

well, for the most part, the plague has past. besides the occasional coughing fit, jen and the kids are feeling much better and my headaches are gone; but am having reoccurring hot flashes...(manopause?)

it's really starting to feel like fall here. the leaves have started to change colors and the mornings are cooler. i'm on the road most of the day and am literally watching the season change around me. it's good to be back, especially this time of year. virginia was nice, (the ocean and fresh seafood was great) and florida was, well, we hated florida. not only is it hot and painfully humid, florida has the highest number of registered sex offenders running around. needless to say, the kids didn't play outside alone..
hopefully, we will stay put for awhile. having moved 12 (13?) times in 15 years is starting to get really old.

spoke with stormy a couple days ago, she sounded good (mentioned the blog and she agreed to play too). i'll try to hookup with isaac and adam soon. has anyone spoken to pam or jodi?

a new feature on this blog site allows exclusive posting and reading to members of a group. i guess it's like added protection from the weirdos out there. thankfully, we are all normal (as my left eye starts twitching). anyway, we may want to check it out.

realtor has had no luck with our house yet. she is hoping we'll have an opportunity to sell (or rent) it within the next couple weeks. (didn't she say that two weeks ago?..)

of course, Nacho Libre will be available this coming week. like the rest of you, i can't wait either!!
so, until then.. XoOx (beeg kees, leetle huug, beeg huug, leetle kees..) and "Chancho, i need to borrow some sweats..."

All is not well in La Coax manor

2006-10-16T19:54:00.000-06:00

we are sick. the whole lot of us. there is coughing, sneezing, snotting, and continual hacking. fevers are high and the motrin/dimetapp cocktail bar stays open all night. i tried to go to bed last night and found a makeshift village of blankets and pillows scattered across the room, full of sniffling trip hazards. of course, jen, in true Mother Teresa form, goes from one sick kid to the next administering medicine, wiping noses, and keeping trashcans in close proximity to potential hurlers. ah, the joys of parenthood.. pass the lysol.

i don't know why my flippin' COMMENT OPTION is not working. could have something to do with me going in and messing with my blog settings before reading what they are supposed to do. i'm trying to fix it. there are a few things that i can't do with the blog that were quite simple when mailing letters back and forth. sharing fingernails would be one, including commentary by Mojo would be another... now that i think about it, Christel, didn't you send me greasy food in an envelope once? flakes of makeup or wait, you didn't send me one of those spidery-looking fake eyelashes did you!? and what ever happened to your best friend, RC (rose)? didn't she become an ax murderer or something?

and darren, come on. Costa friggin' Rica!? i take jen to a yardsale in hohenwald and you're zip-lining through the jungle, laughing it up with a private chef..... hopefully, your pool monkeys won't poop in your infinity pool. (subtle sarcasm implied) no, really, i hope you have a great time. really.. :(

unfortunetly, i think i'm coming out of my dimetapp indused haze. i'll check in later. time for another shot-

Elvis, ninja swords, and G'ful dead icecream

2006-10-14T21:48:00.000-06:00

It has been a long sleeve day here. not too cold and sunny. jen and i returned from our 'date', picked up motherinlaw and the kids and left again. motherinlaw is an avid yard sale addict and i felt it was my duty to oblige her after she had agreed to watch the clan for 4 hrs.

actually, while out, i found 5 old Elvis albums and a 45 of the Beatles Strawberry Fields Forever and Penny Lane. not like i have a record player anymore (or even care that much for Elvis or the Beatles); but for a buck a piece, i couldn't convince myself of a good reason not to.

christian was on the lookout for ninja swords. he has convinced himself that he will be allowed to buy some goofy sword with his allowance money. he doesn't even own a pocket knife; but somehow a sword is ok..(?)..

while living in virginia beach, the kids took a karate course. christian really got into it and fell in love with the idea that he was training to become some avenging ninja. it was neat to see him get excited about something....but he is still not getting a sword.

well, we are still in a holding pattern with our house in virginia. we put it up for sale a few days before we came here and, of course, the housing market became saturated overnight. there are now 51 houses for sell in our community alone. our realtor has sat through three open houses at our house and barely even shown it. this was one of the most sought after subdivisions in the area before everyone and their neighbor decided to get out. now i feel like we have the cooties. of course, we left our furniture in the house ("so it will show better"says our realtor) and we left my car in the driveway hoping to dissuade a would-be burglar from burgling it.
we are considering putting it in property management for a year as a rental in hopes the market turns. big chance; but what else is there to do? we can't buy a home here until we relieve the mortgage there. luckily, we have plenty of kids to hock if things get too tight...

oh yes, christel. i saw an ad for "Cherry Garcia" ice cream from Ben & Jerry's. thought you'd get a kick out of it.

OcktoberFest a la redneck

2006-10-14T07:06:00.000-06:00

yes. Octoberfest has arrived in hohenwald.

where else can you find funnel cake and freshly slung chitterlings sold with a toothless grin at the same booth? where, pray tell, could you ever find that elusive and envied Jeff Gordon bottle cap opener and not only one; but in bulk? what about that porcelain rooster to compliment your kitchen's farm house decor? oh, you like bluegrass music? what about listening to Bubba and the RowdyBoys sing one more tired rendition of 'Sweet Home Alabama'?

welcome to Octoberfest. your dreams are about to be realized.

ok, yes. i will be there too.

among the hordes of yee haw hollering rednecks and kissing cousins (does everyone in this town have the same last name?). i will weave my way through the mounds of second hand undergarments, yard sale trinkets and flea market treasures; but not alone. i will negotiate this maze of collectible crap with my lovely mate of 15 yrs by my side. you see, today, we are on a date and no inbred junk peddler will stand in our way.

don't get me wrong, kids are great and all; but occasionally you gotta find time to just be a couple. few and far between are the moments when we can go to a movie alone, eat a meal in peace and quiet (without someone trying to steal your fries) or just talk about grownup things (don't get me wrong, i do enjoy a spirited debate. like whether lightsabres could in fact be constructed with today's technology. Elijah seems to think so, and i'm not saying it's impossible; but if you did, you would have to have a pretty stringent disclaimer before selling to minors).

having lived in virginia beach and tampa before that, we simply haven't had the chance to get away much. well, today this will change. the mother-in-law has been bribed, the xbox warmed up, and the offspring have been fed.

so we're off!

i shove off into the bloggy waters of worthless banter...

2006-10-13T20:31:00.000-06:00

so. this is it. my first blog, and on Friday the 13th no doubt. wait a minute, does this thing have spell check? speel check... oh great... sadly, i have come to accept the fact that i cannot function in this technological world without my electronic spelling chaperone. i have, in fact, become somewhat addicted to the colored squiggly lines that underscore my, all to often, spelling mishaps.

well, this blogging adventure was plotted a couple weeks ago when Darren, our eldest cousin (40?!!), came to visit. we were discussing the fact that outside of tragic circumstances, we cousins don't see much of each other. i mean, after seeing current pictures of Skye and Abbi it dawned on me that these guys are growing up and, wow, has it really been that long since we've been together? meeting at grandma's for special occasions is a lovely idea; but realistically, it's hard to coordinate our hectic lives. darren, 40, and i kicked around the idea that perhaps we could interact with each other through our respective blogs. i think it's a good idea.

so, my blog is born.

ah.. and there's my spell check button! Alas, my kingdom is now whole. i can spell agian!!

-lance