La Coax

Dis-moi qui t'admire et je te dirai qui tu es.

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Location: deep south, South Georgia & South Sandwich Islands

sometimes i'm the aspirin; but mostly i'm the headache.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

37 reasons to post ugly pics of my relatives

turning 37, i have come to a surreal place of contemplation in my life.. a season of reflection, if you will. a moment to look back and ask some pressing, fundamental questions..foremost, i have come to question that quirky teenage thought process that ram roded my early fashion choices. namely, that darling mullet, those highwater stonewashed jeans, that sweet, pink tank top and Jams, the mork and mindy suspenders, and that tie-dyed fedora with the button stating 'you're ugly and yo momma dresses you funny' attached to it.

in retrospect, i wonder if i was simply a casualty of a fresh, new pop culture deluded in the miry pool of peer pressure. or perhaps i was blindsided by the frenzy of a wide-eyed decade happy to finally be free of disco and skin tight polyester. or maybe i was just a drop in an ocean of impressionable teenagers jostling to find identity while being bombarded by the robert smiths and bananaramas of the world?

or could there be something more?

recently, while surfing, i stumbled upon an interesting study focused on the concerns and consequences of feeding babies raw honey. more specifically, it questioned the time-honored custom of coating the baby's pacifier with honey. after weeks of study by a reputable health food sales clerk at GNC, this practice was decided to be a contributing factor to such medical disorders as Droopy Eyelid Syndrome (hmmm), excessive drooling (possibly me), Abrupt Public Flatulence Disorder (totally not me), and Mulletoma, a deep, psychological infatuation with bushy hind-hair (what?!). as i continued to read, my world started making sense. it was like finally getting the punch-line of a nagging joke. the pieces began falling into place.

my conclusion? my misguided interpretation of hip 80's apparel was not my fault. i didnt willfully choose the mullet, the honey made me do it!! pink wifebeater? obviously, a result of honey-induced hysteria. mork and mindy suspenders? (well, that may have had something to do with the fact that chicks really dig rainbow colored trouser support.) point is, i was fed literally TONS of honey at a very young age. bottom line... i had a medical condition!!

armed with this new insight, i began wondering about the rest of my extended family? could it be possible that others of us were unintentionally gorged with mind-numbing honey as babies resulting in a derelict fascination with big hair and taste-challenged apparel?

so, in the interest of science and the promotion of affirmation and healing, let us examine the following photos and reason together whether honey abuse was a factor:

case study #1: (to maintain a sense of unanimity, we will call this study 'baby dazzle'.)

most children would be content sitting on the floor playing with whatever toy happened to be in front of them; but not baby daz. this youngster only found solace splashing around in the Can. was an overabundance of clover honey at work here? hmmm. little daz later grew to lead his (much younger) cousins into the 80's with such fashion classics as the flap shirt and fabio hair... scary, i know..


case study #2 ( again, to protect the innocent, we will simply call this study: 'Chrissy big hair')

i have learned from a reputable source that this poofy-headed teen ate more honey than pooh bear himself (and still does). her favorite movies include Honey i Shrunk the Kids and Honeymoon in Vegas. favorite song by elton john: honey roll, and favorite biography: Honey Daniels the Inner City Hip-Hop Queen of 1973.

you gotta admit, sure seems like this tiny dancers been tapping the honeytree a little too hard..
next week, we'll check out a couple more case studies and try to get to the bottom of this tragic, family epidemic....

2 Comments:

Blogger Christel said...

At least I have hair!!!! And I was so nice to you. This does, of course, mean that you have to update weekly until all of your relatives have been attacked. Don't forget my dad, he was the one who followed in your footsteps by "adjusting" your picture. I'm sure Pam would gladly give you a picture of him to "adjust".

And, just for the record, I LOATHED Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Rick Moranis was so NOT COOL.

3/06/2008 2:28 PM  
Blogger Wonder Erin said...

Who says gap teeth and stuttering isn't cute? i always laughed at Rick Moranis because he reminded me of me. Ugly, yes, but also a wild eyed genius. We will yet take the world by storm. :D And i have seen the picture of Darren in the toilet as a youngling. So it cannot be denied. i think this eating disorder led to him later swinging the baby cousins about wildly in a milk crate. Little did we know at the time he was actually trying to kill us, we innocently shouted, "WHHHEEEEEEEE!!"

3/11/2008 10:02 AM  

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