our thanksgiving stunk

you know, ive always liked thanksgiving. good food, family, good food. and in my 30 something years of participating in this holiday, i dont recall ever having had a bad experience. sure, i've had my share of 'day after' thanksgiving regrets. but we've all had the buyers remorse that comes after slurping ladles full of giblet gravy and cramming handfuls of cranberry sauce down our pie holes (not to mention dealing with the pepperminty acid reflux that follows chugging more than the recommended dosage of mylanta). but come on, isnt that the true reason for thanksgiving? i mean, does anybody really care that some knee-high sock wearing pilgrims ate hominy with a bunch Indians a thousand years ago? no. thanksgiving is simply a celebration of excessive eating. the one day of the year when it's ok..nay, required to make a total porkin pig of yourself. celebrate, with hopeless abandon, the ability to chew and swallow food in great quantities. yes, anything short of blissful gluttony would be a discredit to honey baked ham and a slap in the face to the spirit of the holiday.

so, why did our Thanksgiving stink? was the food bad? no. was the family fun lame? no. our descent into the lower levels of holiday hades began with a poodle. yes. a nappy headed, white poodle with a malfunctioning anal gland. a disgruntled ball of kinky curls that, for some misguided reason, thought it would 'ok' to attack the business end of a skunk.

well, it wasn't ok.

after taking a faceful of spray, 'Baby' comes yipping back into grandmas house trailing a toe-curling fog of unspeakable horridness. to make matters worse, she rubbed and rolled her stinky face on the carpet, furniture, and grandma.

within seconds, the house stunk. our clothes stunk. our pillows stunk. my toothbrush stunk. my wife stunk. my dear grandmother stunk. ive heard that the only way to get the skunk smell out of things is to bury the contaminated items in the ground for 24 hrs. sounds like a resonably good idea. but it was much more difficult than i anticipated trying to convince jen, the kids, and grandma to stay in the hole while i covered them up. after extensive research on the web, i found that a mixture of tomato juice, peroxide and white vinegar would remove the odor. unfortunately, this is also the recipe for a homemade meth lab (which i felt would be hard to explain to local law enforcement if the whole thing went south).

in the end, we decided to douse each other with febreeze and keep the windows open.

driving back to TN was nothing short of miserabe, but did give me a chance to reflect. thus, i have decided to set up a non-charity organization dedicated to ridding the planet of stupid poodles. it is called P.O.O.D.L.E. (Purging the planet Of Obnoxious Dogs by relocating them to a Lunar outpost far from Earth.). donations can be sent to me, which i will use to buy a new toothbrush.

(disclaimer: the views posted in this blog are not necessarily held by lance nor are they to be taken seriously. i am not planning on sending Baby to the moon and no animals were injured in the writing of this account. in other words, dont tell grandma that i said mean things about her dog!)